Little Gnome FAQs
How big are garden gnomes? Average adults, both male and female, are 10-17.5 digits tall (20-35 centimeters or 8-13.75 inches). Males weigh between 80 and 150 shekels (.9-1.7 kilograms or 2.5-4.5 pounds). Females won’t tell. How long do you live? We live to an age of about 250 years. We reach adulthood at about age 25, and usually maintain good health and strength until our death. Why do you live so long? We live very simple lives entirely devoid of stress. We need and want very little of the good things of the earth, so our labors are light. We enjoy work and get plenty of exercise caring for our gardens and making what few things we need. We feel only good will toward all, and are a cheerful and a happy people. We want only to be of service to every creature, including man. We love to laugh and we live to love. We live so long because our lives are good. How do you celebrate the death of a gnome? We celebrate life, but not death. We honor God, we honor the earth, but we do not ask that we be honored ourselves. When a gnome is near death, he or she knows and takes one last walk through the earth, never to return. At our passing, we desire only that it be said, “He was a good gardener.” How do you walk through solid earth? How do men walk upon the earth? Because they know that they can. This world is very real, and yet it is an illusion. Both man and gnome control, to a great extent, their own realities. We create the world around us in the image of our own faith and beliefs. Like man upon the surface, we walk through the earth because we know that we can. Is there a difference between Garden Gnomes and Lawn Gnomes? Yes. All gnomes are born to love the garden. But, as with your race, some are lazy. Most of us live to love and nurture the vegetables, flowers and plants of all kinds in our gardens. Others, only a few, can’t find the motivation to fill the measure of their creation. They are content to hang out on the lawn. We each have our own version of heaven and hell. But when a lawn gnome takes that final walk through the earth, realizing what he could have been if he had only become a gardener – that would be hell.
I’ve never seen a live gnome, only statues. Why? We are timid and a little leery of man. For reasons detailed in our History , we have learned to stand very still at any sight of man. For our own defense, we only appear to be statues. Man is cunning and frequently deploys actual statues in their yards and gardens to fool us. I guess they are like duck decoys. It never works, though. Gnomes are smarter than ducks. What do you eat? We bare no enmity toward any species, so we are strictly vegetarian. We grow all that we eat in our gardens. This includes fruits, vegetables and whole grains. We are particularly fond of root vegetables because we can harvest them from inside our burrows. Where are your gardens? Though we are a free people, man does not recognize our sovereignty; neither do you recognize our right to own surface estates of land. We are not fighters, so we have adapted. We garden in your gardens. You simply don’t know it. You likely have a colony of us living beneath your garden even now. We work your gardens when you are gone, and you reap the benefits of our labor. If you catch us you see only another statue, which you assume your spouse purchased for the garden. We take what we need, and you never miss a carrot here or a tomato there. An ear of corn will last Martafrank and me more than a week. What is your wish for the future? That man will someday learn to control his anger and aggression toward others. One day man will learn to live in total harmony with others and with the planet. Then and only then, will the lion lay down with the lamb and even the great winds and storms of the earth will be still. In that day we will come forth from the bowels of the earth and call man our friend, and we will garden side by side.
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